


Relationship Status: Sherlock Holmes

by orphan_account



Category: Sherlock BBC
Genre: Cracky fluff, Facebook, M/M, Yes you read that right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-26
Updated: 2010-11-26
Packaged: 2017-10-19 15:14:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/202249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock tries to educate John in the wonders of Facebook.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Relationship Status: Sherlock Holmes

_**Relationship Status: Sherlock Holmes [oneshot]**_  
 **Title** : Relationship Status: Sherlock Holmes  
 **Pairing** : Sherlock/John  
 **Rating** : About as U as you can get  
 **Word Count** : ~900  
 **Summary** : Sherlock tries to educate John in the wonders of Facebook.  
 **Warnings** : None  
 **Beta** : The beauteous [](http://ebonystar.livejournal.com/profile)[**ebonystar**](http://ebonystar.livejournal.com/) , to whom I owe lots of money. Not really.  
 **Disclaimer** : I'm not Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Ye Holy Godtiss or anyone remotely cool :(  
 **A/N** : I have a feeling this has been done, but it's just a short thing that was written for my own amusement, really.

  
Loaded with thinning carrier bags and feeling decidedly wretched, John stumbles in on something he never thought he would witness in the hopefully long stretch of his life. He’s seen a lot, Doctor John Watson; too much, by his own admission. He’s watched IEDs obliterate comrades; observed friends change before him, minds warped by the war until he’s not quite sure he remembers them anymore; caught grown men crying in their bunks at lights out. He’s now also seen a whole new facet of humanity in the form of serial killers and petty thieves and deduction and _brilliance_ , but to John that still counts as a bit too much for a lifetime. The average person expects to undergo a remarkable amount of testing experiences in their existence, and in that case, John Watson seems to have lived the lives of ten people. It’s exhausting, frustrating, debilitating… and would be all the more so if he was forced to stop doing it.

But it is this experience, this sudden sight, that he finds really takes the biscuit. John fancies taking a hobnob out of the packet he’s got shoved in one of the ASDA bags and just sitting down, munching and observing. In reality to gain full benefit and knowledge of just what is going on he needs the complete functioning of his mouth for speech rather than shoving McVities down his gullet.

Firstly he attends to the shopping bags, after gazing down at his hands and seeing the ends of his fingers about to go blue from the lack of circulation. He wonders if Sherlock ever has this problem when he carries in the shopping, or whether he would employ one of his ‘street urchins’ to complete the task for him. Then John wants to smack himself in the face as he remembers that Sherlock never _does_ the shopping. Well, that’s certainly one way of preventing cerulean fingers.

After dumping them all on the nearest surface that’ll hold them (he’ll deal with them, and the sack of potatoes that just rolled off and under the table, later), John clears his throat instinctively and makes his way over to the sofa - that's somehow been moved to where his armchair should be... that man has too much spare time and too little appreciation for the courtesies of flatsharing  - where his colleague is currently tapping away at the keys of a laptop. _John’s_ laptop. He bobs down and folds his arms on the top of the cushion.

“Sherlock. You’re on Facebook.”

The Consulting Detective doesn’t look around, instead lamenting a sigh that makes John’s eyebrows twitch, “You are no help to me whatsoever while you continue to state the obvious, John. How you ever expect to improve your deductive powers when you-”

“Don’t care.” John interrupts. Sherlock’s tapping ceases. “You’re on Facebook. That’s more interesting.” He gestures to the Firefox window displaying the News Feed, whatever that quite is, “Why does the World’s Only Consulting Detective need Facebook? You have Mycroft, that works just as well.”

Sherlock says nothing, instead flicking the mousepad upwards and commencing some typing in a white box, which John doesn’t know what will do, but he’s wary of Sherlock typing anything _anywhere_ on the Internet. Last time that happened, John got another near-death experience to add to his tally. He’s still not particularly happy about that. Sherlock finishes his typing, clicks “Share” with a flourish and cranes his neck around to flash John a look of blissful superiority. The doctor frowns. The look changes to a grin.

Leaning round Sherlock’s curls, John catches a sight at the new addition to the News Feed.

“‘John Watson is being very obtuse.’” A pause, a realisation, a sudden urge to _kill_ Sherlock Holmes. “ _Why have you made me a Facebook, Sherlock_. What have you- Give that here!”

Sherlock raises his hands placidly, silently adding the ‘I really haven’t done anything, John’, and it’s at this moment that John begins to wonder about the logistics of bashing someone’s head in with a Gateway. Possibly a bit too messy, especially with the leather of the settee, although at least it wouldn’t stain…

“I find Facebook an invaluable tool for my research. It comes as no surprise to me how _desperate_ people are to seem popular. I myself have many ‘profiles’ on the website, so thought you would endeavour to join in with the fun.”

“The fun?” John splutters as he stares at his profile. It’s completely and exhaustively filled in with every single one of his likes (he doesn’t even want to know how Sherlock found out he likes Grease), personal details, past employments and, quite frighteningly, _photos_. His blood temperature seems to plunge into the minuses as he notices the Wall full of posts from his elder sister, each getting progressively more frantic and utilising more and more exclamation marks as they go on. John notes that they seem to all have been posted ‘ _4 minutes ago_ ’. If he could hate that damn detective any more…

“Yes, I have found the whole thing rather amusing, I must admit.”

Oh, surprisingly, he’s found a way to. He’s about to also find a way to type out ‘John Watson IS GOING TO KILL SHERLOCK HOLMES IN AN EXTREMELY BRUTAL AND PAINFUL WAY’ as his status when a little red ‘1’ suddenly appears in the periphery of his vision. He clicks on it and he’s pretty sure his heart stops beating for a whole five seconds.

‘Sherlock Holmes has updated his relationship status to say that you two are in a relationship.’

John is definitely adding this to his near-death experience tally.

Sherlock grins, and says nothing.  


-


End file.
